Why, Exactly, Are You Keeping This Secret?

My affection for Lindsay Lohan knows no bounds. I grew up watching her in The Parent Trap and Mean Girls. When she was in her bad girl party phase, I was in my bad girl party phase. When she was in her Greek island phase I was decidedly not in any sort of Greek island phase, but I could sit in my gray cubicle and imagine a Greek island phase. Now, she's in her Netflix rom-com phase. Conveniently, so am I! I've excitedly watched The Other Christmas One and The Irish One, and The New Lindsay Lohan Movie was one of my most anticipated movies of the season.

Our Little Secret opens with a charming animated sequence showing how Avery (Lohan) and Logan (Ian Harding) met as children and were inseparable their entire young lives. However, after Avery's mother dies, she upends all their plans when she accepts a job far away. In a desperate attempt to keep her Logan proposes in front of all their friends, and the ensuing argument is so brutal and embarrassing that they never speak again. Ten years later, they each arrive separately at their new partner's home for a week of enforced merriment and discover that they are dating siblings. Now, they could just say, "oh, hey, we used to date, ha ha, what a small world." But then there wouldn't be a movie. Instead, they lie about it, and colluding over the lie brings them closer together. Can they overcome the pain they caused each other and come together in time for Christmas?

Our Little Secret is trying to be more com than rom, and not really hitting either. Kristin Chenoweth plays the mother who LiLo is desperate to impress, and she makes every narrowed eye and raised eyebrow into a comedic set piece. SNL alum Tim Meadows is also in this, but I don't think he delivers a single joke. Weird choice. There's lots of contrived absurdity around Christmas cookies and misdirected presents, but not much in the way of funny dialogue. Avery and Logan should fall right back into clever banter and familiar jokes, but they seem like strangers. I hate to say this about my girl LiLo, but she really hasn't mastered the starry-eyed gaze that every rom-com heroine needs. When she's supposed to be gazing passionately at Logan, she just looks quizzical. Though Ian Harding isn't exactly smoldering, he's holding up his end. His character is probably the most attractive of this year's Christmas crop. Logan is hard-working, helpful, and provides a stable touchstone when everybody else is being nuts. He's also game to help Avery out in her schemes, even thinking ahead to set her up for success. He'd make a great partner in crime, even if he can't seem to stop himself from making public declarations of love.

Right after Avery and Logan's fight, the movie enters a time lapse of pop culture moments between 2014 and now. Netflix takes plenty of opportunities to insert their own shows, as if the biggest thing that happened in 2016 was the release of Stranger Things. I couldn't help but thinking about how one of the mini plots in this movie would never have flown in 2014 for any Christmas movie. At one point, Avery accidentally eats a bunch of marijuana gummies. Now, let's put aside the absolute impossibility that any adult in 2024 could pull a bag of gummies out of a stranger's pocket and NOT realize that they were drugs. (Like, marijuana gummies are literally stamped with "THC" on the top--ask me how I know.) All kinds of ridiculousness happens and the portrayal of being high is very silly, but whatever, that's not what struck me. What struck me is that LiLo isn't punished in any way for using marijuana. She doesn't have to apologize, there's no legal repercussions, no one has to admit that they have a problem and they need help. She doesn't even freak out. It's just, like...whoops. Christmas rom-coms are often moralistic (I'm looking at you, A Paris Christmas Waltz), so I was impressed that everyone involved, from Netflix on down, decided to be chill. Maybe they've "accidentally" had gummies once or twice.

Could you watch this with your grandma? Depends. Does your grandma have weed gummies? If not, they might help her with pain and appetite issues. Tell her to look into it. And if she's willing to share, well, then, you've got a memorable evening in the works. This movie also features a horny grandma with dementia that your grandma may or may not find relatable.

What's your favorite ridiculous portrayal of drugs in movies? Let me know!