I Am Dragon: How to Bang Your Dragon

As you probably know, I'm currently running a Kickstarter for Kings of the Fire, my dragon shifter romance novel series. So when I was browsing the r/romancemovies subreddit the other day looking for recs, I was pretty excited to discover I Am Dragon. I have a soft spot for Beauty and the Beast retellings, plus a high tolerance for subtitles and an Amazon Prime subscription, so I fired this up at the first chance.

Miroslava (Mariya Poezzhaeva) is the daughter of a proto-Russian duke who is set to marry the grandson of the last dragonslayer, whose courage saved their small frozen town from the dragon attacks that plagued them for centuries. As a nod to tradition, the townsfolk sing the ancient dragon-summoning song, which, surprise, summons the dragon they all thought was dead. Mira is plucked out of her wedding bier and carried off to a forbidding island in the middle of the frozen ocean.

Terrified, injured Mira soon meets Arman, (Matvey Lykov) who will only speak to her through a hole in the wall and insists she stays in a small pit. But Mira is not waiting around for her warrior betrothed to come rescue her. She attempts to escape, but soon encounters the dragon who kidnapped her. In her desperate flight, she falls off a cliff. The dragon rescues her and, to her surprise, transforms into Arman! I know you're as shocked as I am!

What follows is all your favorite montages: she heals him from his wounds! He helps her fix up a lovely little space for herself! They inexplicably find some gorgeous clothes and dance around in them! But he can't touch her or he'll turn into a raging dragon who will literally burn her to death if they screw! Yes, that's a plot point in this movie. Some real Twilight vibes there, or maybe it's just that Arman looks a lot like Robert Pattinson.

While most of this movie was clearly created on a computer screen, it's a beautiful computer screen, with a very cool dragon spine island and pretty decent dragon transformation effects. And while it's totally predictable, the performances and visual details make this a compelling watch. If you have an eye for fabrics, beading, or braids, you'll enjoy the hand-made feel of the costumes.

I Am Dragon is pulsing with horniness, which I normally support entirely, but it freaked me out a little in this case. Even though the actress playing Mira was in her mid-20s when this was filmed, she looks about fourteen. Arman also looks young and spends the whole movie shirtless or in sexy embroidered robes. I am a huge fan of shirtless men in sexy embroidered robes, but, like, I need them to look like they have graduated high school. Which means that no, you should not watch this with your grandma. She'd be horrified. Or possibly tell you a horrifying story about losing her virginity at fourteen. Save both of you the trauma and watch this on your own when you need some horny dragon action.