There's a New Netflix Princess Movie! And it's completely ridiculous!
If you've been reading these emails awhile, you know I've got a serious fascination with the Netflix Princess Cinematic Universe. Give me your Christmas Princes, your Princess Switches, your Castles for Christmas! I'm genuinely so grateful that someone over at Netflix figured out that there's a huge, underserved audience for bonkers rom-coms. I know, I know, it's Oscar season, and there are dozens of "quiet character portraits" and "moving coming-of-age stories" that I should probably be watching. But when I saw Netflix had a new princess movie, my priorities were obvious. Who needs to watch the next Best Picture when The Royal Treatment just dropped?
The thing you should know about The Royal Treatment is that it is probably best viewed as if no aspect of it whatsoever exists in the world as we know it. Izzy (Laura Marano) is a hairdresser/saint who lives in a fictional version of New York where people would accept a doughnut from a stranger on the street. Her fellow hairdressers are not humans, but human-adjacent meme machines. There is not one recognizable accent in this entire movie. I'm forced to conclude that Netflix actually filmed this in a dimension adjacent to our own, where there's a European kingdom called Lavinia that is pleasingly multiracial because it's "on the trade route to India" but is otherwise indistinguishable from your average German Christmas Village. Izzy meets the Prince (Mena Massoud) when his assistant accidentally sets up an appointment with the wrong salon. During his haircut, Izzy basically threatens the Prince with a pair of scissors because someone is rude to a maid, but because we're in an alternate universe the Prince is intrigued instead of filing assault charges. The next day, the Prince's assistant suggests that Izzy and some of her fellow salon workers should come to Lavinia to do the hair and makeup for his wedding, because oh yeah he's getting married, and apparently there is no one in all of Europe who can do a decent haircut. From there, the plot unfolds as you know it will: Izzy demonstrates herself to be selfless in the extreme, good with children, and capable of walking on cobblestones in platform heels, all of which are essential characteristics for a Princess. The Prince will gain a new appreciation for his own people, eventually stand up to his scheming parents, and go get the girl when he realizes that she's the one for him after all. It feels like the writers had Ever After playing in the background of their brainstorming sessions. But I'm not here for innovative plots--I'm here for royal ridiculousness, and this movie has that in spades. It's not good, but it is a good time. And if you wanted to take a drink every time a new accent appears, I think this movie could be a very good time.
I’m in the market for suggestions! Let me know if there’s something I have to watch at email@example.com.