Inject This Candy Straight Into My Veins

Like every other pophead in America, I'm obsessed with Sabrina Carpenter. For awhile, I was squicked out by her girlish hypersexuality, but as she slowly took over my Spotify playlists I realized that she's in no way innocent. Though it may seem like she came out of nowhere, she's actually been in the entertainment business for nearly two decades and has a very canny approach to her career. She's honed her sexy image into a caricature of 1950's filmy femininity, but her naughty, self-aware lyrics make her seem like your snarky best friend. She really clicked for me when I saw a Reddit comment describing her look as drag--campy, over-torqued, and designed to both skewer and revel in the ridiculousness of performance. When I saw that she was doing a Christmas special for Netflix, I decided to save that delicious little treat for the end of my Christmas movie binge. But now I think I miscalculated. I should have watched A Nonsense Christmas earlier in December, so I could have watched it ten times already.

In keeping with the duality of Carpenter's image, A Nonsense Christmas is an over-the-top Christmas special that winks at the idea of an over-the-top Christmas special. There's a big production number with Shania Twain that is all sparkles, teased hair, and high notes, and then there's blooper footage of Twain messing up the lyrics. The musical guests are all great choices for cross-market potential, but the actors who also appear are a confusing collection of barely recognizable comedians, plus Quinta Brunson. Also, Sean Astin plays Santa? I cannot imagine that the marketing team thought that was a good choice, given that the target audience for Sean Astin/Sabrina Carpenter content is basically just me. The skits are sort of amateurish and cringey, and I can't help but wonder why Netflix didn't team up with SNL for something like this. I have to conclude that she just hired people she likes, which is refreshingly unstrategic.

Also, the costumes. You wouldn't know it from my capsule wardrobe of gray sweats, but I love a fancy sparkly themed costume. Not to wear, obviously; in my post-pandemic fashion era, I consider stretchy jeans to be dressing up. That just makes me more impressed with people who are willing to deal with all the myriad discomforts of stage costumes. It's constrictive AND revealing AND there's no pockets? How do you survive? And the shoes! My ankles hurt just looking at them. Truly, watching Sabrina Carpenter walk down a flight of moving stairs, wearing six-inch platform heels and a full-length gown, while singing, is an athletic feat on par with the Olympics. My absolute favorite look was Sabrina's duet with Chappell Roan for "Last Christmas." They both look incredible in green velvet dresses with trains, and despite their different styles their voices meld perfectly.

I would recommend NOT watching this with your Grandma unless she really likes sex jokes, because there's basically nonstop innuendo in both the skits and songs. I dunno, you'll have to judge your Grandma's tolerance for lyrics like "I'm talkin' opposite of small, I'm talking big snowballs" and "boy that package is too big to giftwrap." But you know what, you don't need to watch this one with your Grandma. Watch it with your friends and a bottle of champagne and have a great time.

What's your favorite Christmas special? Let me know!