There is Nothing Sexier than Ice Cold Abs

Would you believe that this isn't the first movie I've seen featuring a snowman who becomes human? There's the Michael Keaton classic Jack Frost, where a man comes back from the dead as a snowman and a boy utters the classic line "Snow Dad is better than no dad." Brutal. There's also another Hallmark-y kind of movie called Snowmance that I watched a couple of years ago where a woman builds a snowman with her best friend every year and makes a wish for the perfect boyfriend, but eventually realizes that her best friend was the perfect boyfriend all along. Given my wide breadth of experience with the snowman-becomes-human genre, I can comfortably say that Hot Frosty is the best of the bunch. Is it the best of any other bunch? Probably not, but we all know that Christmas rom-coms are graded on a candy cane-shaped curve.

Jack Snowman is essentially a human golden retriever who wants nothing more than to lick Kathy's face. He teaches himself home repair so he can fix up Kathy's house, but soon the local horny grannies adopt him and have him doing chores all over town. Meanwhile, the local cops are on his trail, and Jack is pretty conspicuous because he literally starts to melt when he wears a shirt so he's constantly half-naked. Poor guy can't even eat hot pizza! They bond over watching other Netflix Christmas movies like Falling for Christmas, which stars Lindsay Lohan and gives Chabert a chance to wink at the audience. Kathy isn't ready to commit to, you know, a magical snowman currently in human form, but after a middle school dance and some mild police brutality, it all works out in time for Christmas.

Honestly, I have no complaints about this movie. It knows exactly what it is and what the audience wants from it, and it is happy to provide. Lacey Chabert does a great job selling some truly nonsense dialogue, and Dustin Milligan does a great job eating only unsalted chicken breasts to achieve his physique. Joe Lo Truglio and Craig Robinson play the bumbling cops, and they are worth an extra star by themselves. There's this gag with Robinson's sunglasses that made me lol. Despite the rampant shirtlessness, this is wholesome enough to watch with your grandma. She might have some insightful comments about how the "born sexy yesterday" trope has developed in the last fifty years, and whether gender swapping the dynamic reveals its problematic nature or perpetuates unhealthy relationships. Personally, I think absurdity is the secret sauce of these things. And also, I'd like the name of whoever carved that Dustin Milligan snowman, because I have a closetful of scarves and a bunch of chores that need to get done around my house.