Ehh, It's-A Italy

I have never been to Italy. And honestly, it's not that high on my list of places to go. I'm much more drawn to a misty Irish moor than a sun-drenched Italian villa. I prefer whiskey to wine and potatoes to pasta, and I've got a little too much American get-er-done-itis to settle properly into the leisurely lifestyle I've been led to believe Italians live. But that doesn't mean I'm not susceptible to Italy-porn. I like a good tomato sauce montage as much as the next girl, and I wouldn't say no to a Vespa ride through an olive grove. I don't have any fun travel on the books until next year, so I scratched the itch last night with two Italy-centric rom-coms on Netflix.

Love in the Villa (2022): Julie (Kat Graham) is a third-grade teacher who has always dreamed of visiting Verona, but gets dumped by her boyfriend on the eve of their obsessively-planned trip. She decides to go anyway, though initially it seems that the universe disapproves of her choice: her flight is full of screaming children, she loses her luggage, and, when she finally arrives at her much-anticipated villa, she finds that it's already occupied by a snooty British wine snob. The fact that said snooty British wine snob, Charlie (Tom Hopper) is mythically hot doesn't actually make the situation better. Their landlord is like, "eh, it's-a Italy," and suggests they share the villa. After some hijinks where they attempt to make the other leave, they are eventually overwhelmed by the magic and romance of Italy and, apparently, fall completely in love with each other. To be fair, they are both so insanely attractive that it would be a crime if they didn't see each other naked. Then their respective exes show up to throw a wrench in the works. Weirdly, Tom Hopper's actual wife Larua Hopper plays his vapid fashionista girlfriend who says "OMG" the way I say "um." Julie's boyfriend Brandon (Raymond Ablack) is also a certified hottie--what I'm saying here, folks, is that this movie is top notch eye candy.

Unfortunately, it's not really top-notch in any other way. The enemies part of enemies-to-lovers went on a little long for my taste, and they do some uncool stuff to each other in their attempt to drive the other out of the apartment. In fact, it's too long overall, at almost two hours, especially for a film with almost no surprises. And while it's got some Italian charm, it seems like it was probably filmed in a warehouse in Vancouver. There are a few things I liked--a stairway full of stray cats, Tom Hopper's shirtless body, a Uber-Uberto joke that, to my shame, I'll be laughing at for years--but overall there's not a lot to this one. It's a movie you could watch while you cleaned the house.

Toscana (2022): Theo (Anders Mattheson) is an acclaimed chef in Denmark who blows up his rigidly ordered life when he finds out his father has died and left him a broken down castle in Italy. He travels there hoping to sell it quickly, but "Eh, it's-a Italy," so he apparently has to hang out there for a couple of weeks while he figures out the sale. He meets Sophia (Cristiana Della'Anna), a curt farmer with a gift for vegetables but no talent for serving tables. As they reckon with the death of the Theo's father and get to know each other, Theo realizes that if he goes through with his plan to sell the castle, he'll be taking away everything she loves. This is a solid set-up for a movie, and with two talented actors and a lush food-centric setting, this had the potential to be a hidden gem.

But this was not my night for Netflix Italian rom-coms. This movie has a plot mechanic that absolutely turns me off, and I'm going to spoil it for you. Sophia is engaged, and the majority of her yearning courtship with Theo takes place as they are setting up for her wedding. This never bothered me before I got married, but now I know how much freaking work it takes to plan and execute a wedding. To go through with all the hullaballo--the money, the stress, the emotional intensity--when you have even the slightest doubt that you are committed to someone is both weak and cruel. And (continued spoilers) she does go through with it. She marries her adorable fiance Pino (Andrea Bosca) and dances with him under the stars while Theo looks on. The wedding, while gorgeous and romantic, is pure agony to watch. I physically cringed when Theo got up to give an ill-advised speech, and I had to pause the movie to prepare myself to get through the next minute. In contrast to Love in the Villa, this movie should have been longer: there needed to be at least one scene to redeem Sophia, and several scenes where they reconcile and reveal themselves to each other. I'm, like, mad at this movie. I was so in for the first act, and then it pulled it's charming Italian rug out from under me. I would recommend you watch the first thirty minutes and then turn it off and imagine the rest in your mind.

What’s your favorite Italy-centric rom-com? Let me know at lily@lilycahill.com!