There is No Creature on Earth More Beautiful Than Jennifer Lopez

She's been iconically hot since 2000, when she showed up at the Grammys in a filmy green dress that was instantly seared into the popular consciousness. As a singer and dancer she's had her fair share of incredible looks, but it's her career as an actress that has really solidified her into one of this generation's hottest women. Her movie career seems to have guided by a single principle: is there an opportunity for me to look smoking hot in this film?

She was in an extremely weird movie called The Cell, which gave her the opportunity to be at the center of a goth dreamworld. In the very bad thriller The Boy Next Door, she plays a classics teacher who drives a student insane with her irresistible "cookies" (ew). Perhaps her sexiest performance is in Hustlers, where she does an athletic strip tease and looks like an underworld queen in a fur coat. In 2022's Marry Me, which Hubs and I watched last night, she's taken it to the next level: she plays Kat Valdez, an iconically hot megastar, and thus never looks less than iconically hot for a single second of the film.

The preview for this movie basically fast-forwards you through the first fifteen minutes of the film: Owen Wilson is Charlie, a schlubby, recently divorced teacher who desperately wants to connect to his preteen daughter. He's dragged along to the hottest concert in town, where Kat Valdez and her superstar fiancé, Bastien (Maluma) are supposed to get married onstage. But when Bastien is revealed to be a cheater, Kat decides (though a baffling plot mechanic) to marry Charlie instead.

Owen Wilson is doing his best, but even his folksy charm can't overcome how much of a wet blanket Charlie is. He keeps telling K-Val how she needs to be more down-to-earth, when in fact he's the one who needs to get on her level. He says she needs to make her own smoothies--boy, why? She's got a professional chef on staff who can make her a damn smoothie while she's busy choreographing her next Sexy Christian-themed dance number. He's like, "Why do you bother with these hair extensions? You're beautiful without them!" Umm, hello, she looks incredible, which is obviously her goal, and she works very hard at it, so how about you pay her a compliment on how well she's styled herself instead of whining about how this goddess isn't average enough? When the time comes for a dramatic turning point in their relationship, he basically breaks up with himself. Honestly, K-Val would be better off with Bastien, who is in her industry and understands her lifestyle, and is also smoking hot, half her age, and has a very sexy accent.

But, of course, Kat and Charlie end up together. After the initial zaniness of the meet-cute, this is a very by-the-numbers rom-com, enlivened only by two things. First was the product placement, which, as Lopez herself does plenty of product placement on her social feeds, achieved this meta level of product placement where the relative value of a Vitamix is obscured by the impression that a Vitamix smoothie might make you into Jennifer Lopez. The other interesting element was the astounding musical performances. At one point, Hubs said, "I don't like this movie very much, but it is making me think we should see J-Lo in concert," which I think is the best takeaway for this film. You should watch this if you're looking for something pretty to glance up at while you're looking at your phone.

Are there any good J-Lo movies? Let me know at lily@lilycahill.com!